ABOUT MEN (AM) - The Delayed Apology

Today I had a woman (I'll call her Mary) ask about a situation that she had encountered.

Two years ago Mary went on a few dinner dates with a guy. After the 3rd or 4th date they had sex and then he told her he was weirded out by their "relationship" since he'd recently gotten divorced and really just wasn't that into her. That was that.

Two days ago, the guy sent her an email apologizing for the way he had dropped her. Honestly, it hadn't really bothered her and she hadn't given it one thought until she got the email. Now Mary was wondering: Why? Is he doing the 12-Steps of AA and has hit the "making amends" step? Has it really been burning into his conscience all this time? Or is something else motivating him?

My guess is this:

The guy's ego was heavily bruised by the divorce. He didn't feel manly, desirable or desired. In his conscious mind, he was dating to look for a partner. Unconsciously, he just wanted to have someone desire him (which for guys is shown through having sex). She obliged him and then, because he really _wasn't_ that into her, he moved on for the next block in rebuilding his self-confidence.

He may have also been dating multiple women. It is not uncommon for guys who are feeling insecure to "date" a number of women whether they are really into them or not just to keep their egos up while they look for their next dream girl.

In all likelihood, his next dream girl was already on the horizon when he was dating Mary.
When guys are "hunting" we get monocular. We set one thing in our sights and we chase that with a narrow focus. We forget everything else except that one goal. We get swept up in it. Which is why we can forget to call when we're out with the guys and other insensitive things. We don't mean to be insensitive or forget, we just get focused and lose sight of other things.

When he was dating Mary she was his second or third choice. There was someone else he was more interested in and when that woman apparently showed some interest he dropped Mary. He wasn't "that" into Mary because he was into someone else more.

Now 2 years later he's recently been dropped and is feeling lonely, unloved and undesired again - especially with the holidays looming. And in his loneliness is going over all his missed opportunities - potential women who might have turned out better than the one he got - and Mary is one of them. She helped him feel better last time and he's hoping she will again. He honestly and truly feels regret (so the apology is sincere) BUT it isn't really motivated by concern for her feelings after all these years. It is motivated by HIS own pain. So he's reaching out to these people (I doubt that Mary is the only one he's contacted) ultimately hoping to - in his mind - start a new relationship.

However, the reality is that once his pain is abated by getting laid, not being lonely and feeling desirable and desired again (that is, his bruised ego is restored), Mary or whomever will no longer be attractive to him. He's already "gotten" that..... he'll wants something new and more challenging again. He will either drop Mary right away or more likely, string her along as a sex buddy until the next dream girl comes along.

So Mary has a couple options:
1) ignore him and keep looking for some who is "really into" her; or
2) recognize it for what it is and if she's looking for a FWB use it as such. (Recognizing the risk that she will build an unreciprocated attachment to the guy).