Let's face it - women control the distribution of sex. Pretty much any woman can get laid at any time. She may not be able to be laid by anyone she's interested in or finds attractive, but she can get laid. On the other hand, there are many men out there who would love to have sex with someone they don't find attractive. They can't get laid no matter how much they lower their standards.
This means that unless they purposefully saved themselves for "Mr. Right" or married their high school sweetheart, in most cases, they have had sex with more people than you have. A very unscientific survey of every couple I came across for a year yielded that on average - the female partner had slept with 2 - 3 times as many different people than their male partner (although they usually didn't admit it to their guy for fear of being thought less of). So hint to you guys - don't ask if you really don't want to know!
This is almost certainly due to the fact that every woman just plain has more opportunities for sex. There is always at least one guy lurking around just hoping a woman will have sex with him. So the prettier women spend their time fishing through a huge pool of offers from a few select men, and the less attractive woman are often using sex for attention. Those select few men, by the way, usually have had 2 - 3 times as many women as their partners. The average Joe has had 5 - 10 sex partners. His girlfriend has had 15 - 30 sex partners (but only fesses up to having 5 because she doesn't want him to think she's a slut), some of whom were the studs who have had 30 - 60 lovers. There are, of course, exceptions such as women with only 1 or 2 sex partners or those with 60 - 70. I knew a young woman who had sex with a different guy at least 5 times a week for over a year for a total of close to 250 guys in 2007. Yowza! I bet she hasn't told that to her current boyfriend.
What this also means is that any woman you're interested in - regardless of how available she seems - probably ain't really single. There's a guy at home somewhere. I actually got into the habit of just stating upfront, "my experience is that most women as attractive as you are seldom single. They usually have a boyfriend at home while they're looking for his replacement. So tell me about your boyfriend...." It took them by surprise but it got things out there in the open. It didn't mean I wouldn't date them, I just wanted to know the score. And part of the score is - if she cheats with you, she'll cheat on you, because no matter what you may think about yourself or what she is telling you right now, you ain't that special. There is always someone who is cuter, smarter, better hung, funnier, what-have-you.
There are a few times when women get dumped by those few studs, and I even know some women who do break up with their men before dating others (although they often have one or more potential dates in their sights). And there are times when someone has dated scads of other guys, maybe even cheating on her last boyfriend to date you AND you really are Mr. Right. It happens. Like everyone wins at the blackjack tables once in a while if they play enough. Just the odds are not in your favor.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
ABOUT MEN (AM) - The Eternal Question
I was giving a talk the other night about men, body language, and dating. At one point I casually mentioned that when in close physical contact men are always assessing that question so poignantly expressed by Brad Pitt's character in Fight Club - butt or balls?
As you may recall, Pitt's character is sitting on the plane with Ed Norton's character. At a certain point, Pitt gets up to go to the bathroom and has to slide past Norton. He mentions the dilemma of deciding which to present to Norton as he passes close by.
As I said to my students (all of whom were female), men consciously make those assessments all the time. They don't usually put a lot of thought into it - more of a split second decision - but they ARE at least half-consciously making that decision. If they are in a crowded bar and will be sliding past a woman, you can tell if he is interested in her by which he presents, butt or balls. If he passes facing her, then he finds her attractive. If he is facing away, he does not. This will always be the case and he HAS considered it, if only for a microsecond, before passing.
Of course, this gets more complicated the more crowded the bar and when other sexual orientations are involved. If he is straight and has to squeeze between a guy and an unattractive girl, he'll probably face the girl. If he is gay, depending on his preferences and his perception of the other guy he may face either way. If two straight guys have to pass closely by and there is enough room they will pass face to face so that they can subconsciously express dominance. If there isn't enough room, they will pass butt to butt.
But the point is, at some level men are ALWAYS making those kinds of decisions when passing by another person. Butt or balls?
My female students were all shocked and incredulous. So they rushed out and asked their husbands.... who all confirmed that indeed at some level they do. Men aren't really subtle. They are always aware of where their penis is and are always pointing it towards the things they find attractive. Kinda like a sexual compass whose needle always points to fun.
So next time you are out in a crowded place and want to know if that guy finds you attractive, time it so that he and you will have to walk past each other very closely (usually next to the bar is the busiest place). Watch (and feel) the body language and you will have your answer.
As you may recall, Pitt's character is sitting on the plane with Ed Norton's character. At a certain point, Pitt gets up to go to the bathroom and has to slide past Norton. He mentions the dilemma of deciding which to present to Norton as he passes close by.
As I said to my students (all of whom were female), men consciously make those assessments all the time. They don't usually put a lot of thought into it - more of a split second decision - but they ARE at least half-consciously making that decision. If they are in a crowded bar and will be sliding past a woman, you can tell if he is interested in her by which he presents, butt or balls. If he passes facing her, then he finds her attractive. If he is facing away, he does not. This will always be the case and he HAS considered it, if only for a microsecond, before passing.
Of course, this gets more complicated the more crowded the bar and when other sexual orientations are involved. If he is straight and has to squeeze between a guy and an unattractive girl, he'll probably face the girl. If he is gay, depending on his preferences and his perception of the other guy he may face either way. If two straight guys have to pass closely by and there is enough room they will pass face to face so that they can subconsciously express dominance. If there isn't enough room, they will pass butt to butt.
But the point is, at some level men are ALWAYS making those kinds of decisions when passing by another person. Butt or balls?
My female students were all shocked and incredulous. So they rushed out and asked their husbands.... who all confirmed that indeed at some level they do. Men aren't really subtle. They are always aware of where their penis is and are always pointing it towards the things they find attractive. Kinda like a sexual compass whose needle always points to fun.
So next time you are out in a crowded place and want to know if that guy finds you attractive, time it so that he and you will have to walk past each other very closely (usually next to the bar is the busiest place). Watch (and feel) the body language and you will have your answer.
Friday, February 4, 2011
FOR MEN (FM) Timing IS Everything
When I was a wet-behind-the-ears freshman in college I had the good fortune of having a wizened old college senior as a roommate. In some ways, he was like the kindly uncle or big brother who dispenses "men's secrets" that I never had. Some male mentors give advice on finances or careers. My roommate gave me more important advice: how to get laid.
One of the first pieces of advice he gave was on timing; specifically on what time to show up for a party. He said:
"Whenever there is a frat party, do NOT be on time. If the party is to start at 10 PM, the women and many of the guys will get there about 10:30 and they'll start drinking. By midnight, the women are "socially lubricated" and the guys are slobbering drunks. THAT is the time to show up. You walk into the room all calm, collected, charming and witty. The drunk guys won't be able to compete and you'll be a magnet to the ladies. The key, however, is to time it just right. If you come too early, there is too much competition and too many inhibitions. If you show up too late, the women's inhibitions may have dropped but so have their standards. They will already be hooked up with one of the drunk guys."
That was one of the most useful things I ever learned in college....
One of the first pieces of advice he gave was on timing; specifically on what time to show up for a party. He said:
"Whenever there is a frat party, do NOT be on time. If the party is to start at 10 PM, the women and many of the guys will get there about 10:30 and they'll start drinking. By midnight, the women are "socially lubricated" and the guys are slobbering drunks. THAT is the time to show up. You walk into the room all calm, collected, charming and witty. The drunk guys won't be able to compete and you'll be a magnet to the ladies. The key, however, is to time it just right. If you come too early, there is too much competition and too many inhibitions. If you show up too late, the women's inhibitions may have dropped but so have their standards. They will already be hooked up with one of the drunk guys."
That was one of the most useful things I ever learned in college....
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
ABOUT MEN (AM) - The Delayed Apology
Today I had a woman (I'll call her Mary) ask about a situation that she had encountered.
Two years ago Mary went on a few dinner dates with a guy. After the 3rd or 4th date they had sex and then he told her he was weirded out by their "relationship" since he'd recently gotten divorced and really just wasn't that into her. That was that.
Two days ago, the guy sent her an email apologizing for the way he had dropped her. Honestly, it hadn't really bothered her and she hadn't given it one thought until she got the email. Now Mary was wondering: Why? Is he doing the 12-Steps of AA and has hit the "making amends" step? Has it really been burning into his conscience all this time? Or is something else motivating him?
My guess is this:
The guy's ego was heavily bruised by the divorce. He didn't feel manly, desirable or desired. In his conscious mind, he was dating to look for a partner. Unconsciously, he just wanted to have someone desire him (which for guys is shown through having sex). She obliged him and then, because he really _wasn't_ that into her, he moved on for the next block in rebuilding his self-confidence.
He may have also been dating multiple women. It is not uncommon for guys who are feeling insecure to "date" a number of women whether they are really into them or not just to keep their egos up while they look for their next dream girl.
In all likelihood, his next dream girl was already on the horizon when he was dating Mary.
When guys are "hunting" we get monocular. We set one thing in our sights and we chase that with a narrow focus. We forget everything else except that one goal. We get swept up in it. Which is why we can forget to call when we're out with the guys and other insensitive things. We don't mean to be insensitive or forget, we just get focused and lose sight of other things.
When he was dating Mary she was his second or third choice. There was someone else he was more interested in and when that woman apparently showed some interest he dropped Mary. He wasn't "that" into Mary because he was into someone else more.
Now 2 years later he's recently been dropped and is feeling lonely, unloved and undesired again - especially with the holidays looming. And in his loneliness is going over all his missed opportunities - potential women who might have turned out better than the one he got - and Mary is one of them. She helped him feel better last time and he's hoping she will again. He honestly and truly feels regret (so the apology is sincere) BUT it isn't really motivated by concern for her feelings after all these years. It is motivated by HIS own pain. So he's reaching out to these people (I doubt that Mary is the only one he's contacted) ultimately hoping to - in his mind - start a new relationship.
However, the reality is that once his pain is abated by getting laid, not being lonely and feeling desirable and desired again (that is, his bruised ego is restored), Mary or whomever will no longer be attractive to him. He's already "gotten" that..... he'll wants something new and more challenging again. He will either drop Mary right away or more likely, string her along as a sex buddy until the next dream girl comes along.
So Mary has a couple options:
1) ignore him and keep looking for some who is "really into" her; or
2) recognize it for what it is and if she's looking for a FWB use it as such. (Recognizing the risk that she will build an unreciprocated attachment to the guy).
Two years ago Mary went on a few dinner dates with a guy. After the 3rd or 4th date they had sex and then he told her he was weirded out by their "relationship" since he'd recently gotten divorced and really just wasn't that into her. That was that.
Two days ago, the guy sent her an email apologizing for the way he had dropped her. Honestly, it hadn't really bothered her and she hadn't given it one thought until she got the email. Now Mary was wondering: Why? Is he doing the 12-Steps of AA and has hit the "making amends" step? Has it really been burning into his conscience all this time? Or is something else motivating him?
My guess is this:
The guy's ego was heavily bruised by the divorce. He didn't feel manly, desirable or desired. In his conscious mind, he was dating to look for a partner. Unconsciously, he just wanted to have someone desire him (which for guys is shown through having sex). She obliged him and then, because he really _wasn't_ that into her, he moved on for the next block in rebuilding his self-confidence.
He may have also been dating multiple women. It is not uncommon for guys who are feeling insecure to "date" a number of women whether they are really into them or not just to keep their egos up while they look for their next dream girl.
In all likelihood, his next dream girl was already on the horizon when he was dating Mary.
When guys are "hunting" we get monocular. We set one thing in our sights and we chase that with a narrow focus. We forget everything else except that one goal. We get swept up in it. Which is why we can forget to call when we're out with the guys and other insensitive things. We don't mean to be insensitive or forget, we just get focused and lose sight of other things.
When he was dating Mary she was his second or third choice. There was someone else he was more interested in and when that woman apparently showed some interest he dropped Mary. He wasn't "that" into Mary because he was into someone else more.
Now 2 years later he's recently been dropped and is feeling lonely, unloved and undesired again - especially with the holidays looming. And in his loneliness is going over all his missed opportunities - potential women who might have turned out better than the one he got - and Mary is one of them. She helped him feel better last time and he's hoping she will again. He honestly and truly feels regret (so the apology is sincere) BUT it isn't really motivated by concern for her feelings after all these years. It is motivated by HIS own pain. So he's reaching out to these people (I doubt that Mary is the only one he's contacted) ultimately hoping to - in his mind - start a new relationship.
However, the reality is that once his pain is abated by getting laid, not being lonely and feeling desirable and desired again (that is, his bruised ego is restored), Mary or whomever will no longer be attractive to him. He's already "gotten" that..... he'll wants something new and more challenging again. He will either drop Mary right away or more likely, string her along as a sex buddy until the next dream girl comes along.
So Mary has a couple options:
1) ignore him and keep looking for some who is "really into" her; or
2) recognize it for what it is and if she's looking for a FWB use it as such. (Recognizing the risk that she will build an unreciprocated attachment to the guy).
Men's Secrets
Welcome to my new blog about "Men's Secrets". This originally began - and may eventually return - as notes for a book. There are a few things that led me to writing such a thing:
1) I am a good listener. I've always been the person who people came and told their problems and asked advice from. So over the years I've had many exposures to various life problems and opportunities to think deeply about them.
2) I have always considered myself somewhat "socially autistic". Perhaps on the far end of the Asperger's Spectrum. That is, I've never been good at reading social cues. Most people seem to be hardwired to unconsciously pick up subtle motions, eye movements, body posture, tones of voice, etc. that I just never saw or knew how to read. As a young dater, if a woman didn't walk up to me and say clearly and concisely "I am attracted to you" they could toss their toss their hair and flirt all day long and I'd never see it. So over the years I've made a focused, intentional study of human interactions. I'd watch and record: "Oh, she did this and then he did that. So her 'this' must have meant....". After 30 years of study, I think I've finally got a reasonable handle on why people do what they do and how.
3) Apparently, I'm not the only one who is periodically confused..... because I keep having people ask questions, especially cross-gender ones (e.g. "why did she just do that?" or "why do guys act that way?").
Back in the days of our ancestors, there were Rites of Passage where boys were taken off with the men to learn the secrets of how to be successful in life, love, business and more. Girls and women had their own rites where presumably they got their equivalent secrets. We don't really have those anymore.
So this blog is intended to discuss those "Men's Secrets". There are really two kinds of secrets relative to men:
1) secrets FOR men - things guys should know in order to "succeed" (which can mean various things depending on the setting, age, etc.)
2) secrets ABOUT men - how they think, feel, act - that women may find useful or interesting.
I will be posting both kinds (trying to remember to label them "For Men" or "About Men") based on years of observation and advice I've given. But I am also open to new questions. So please feel free to send any questions you have and I'll see what answers I can give.
Cheers!
1) I am a good listener. I've always been the person who people came and told their problems and asked advice from. So over the years I've had many exposures to various life problems and opportunities to think deeply about them.
2) I have always considered myself somewhat "socially autistic". Perhaps on the far end of the Asperger's Spectrum. That is, I've never been good at reading social cues. Most people seem to be hardwired to unconsciously pick up subtle motions, eye movements, body posture, tones of voice, etc. that I just never saw or knew how to read. As a young dater, if a woman didn't walk up to me and say clearly and concisely "I am attracted to you" they could toss their toss their hair and flirt all day long and I'd never see it. So over the years I've made a focused, intentional study of human interactions. I'd watch and record: "Oh, she did this and then he did that. So her 'this' must have meant....". After 30 years of study, I think I've finally got a reasonable handle on why people do what they do and how.
3) Apparently, I'm not the only one who is periodically confused..... because I keep having people ask questions, especially cross-gender ones (e.g. "why did she just do that?" or "why do guys act that way?").
Back in the days of our ancestors, there were Rites of Passage where boys were taken off with the men to learn the secrets of how to be successful in life, love, business and more. Girls and women had their own rites where presumably they got their equivalent secrets. We don't really have those anymore.
So this blog is intended to discuss those "Men's Secrets". There are really two kinds of secrets relative to men:
1) secrets FOR men - things guys should know in order to "succeed" (which can mean various things depending on the setting, age, etc.)
2) secrets ABOUT men - how they think, feel, act - that women may find useful or interesting.
I will be posting both kinds (trying to remember to label them "For Men" or "About Men") based on years of observation and advice I've given. But I am also open to new questions. So please feel free to send any questions you have and I'll see what answers I can give.
Cheers!
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